night night

It's pitch black. My ceiling fan on the 3rd highest speed. Cell phone alarm clock is checked, and double checked. My mouth guard is in, so yes, read this post with a horrible lisp, because that's how it's being typed. (I'm a grinder, what can I say?) And yet, those elusive ZZZ's I desperately crave seem to be in hiding.

I had one of those weekends that reminded me how blessed I am. No, I didn't win the lottery or find myself mysteriously cured from a terminal disease. I didn't visit African tribes laden with poverty or converse with drag rats and their starving dogs on Guad. '16 and pregnant' wasn't on Lifetime and our Post Secret books remain untouched on the coffee table. So, there's really no reason this little morale boost kicked in. Truth be told, I think I just kind of remembered who I am, where I am and who I have.

Not to sound effusive and mawkish, because, trust me, my cynicism and horribleness are still rampant, but is there anything better than inexplicable renewed perspective?

Nope. There just isn't.

English is my second language. Awkward is my first.

I talk a lot. In doing so I prefer to say things in a round-about manner, I like to meander. Getting to the point without convoluted sentence structure and foregoing needless comma splices is to be expected. Give me a subject and a verb and I'll give you your grandmother's almanac. The following are a list of words and phrases that I have knowingly misused this week, all for the sake of being wordy, and the responses that each have received.

1) Burden of proof

Origin: While I was reading about affirmative action in my government book this week the term 'burden of proof' was used when talking about who's responsibility it was to prove discrimination..blah blah, the point is, 'burden of proof' has a nice ring to it, so I've been trying to find room for it in my daily interactions.

Situation used: In a conversation with my bosses boss at Gregory gym.

Bosses Boss: (Explaining to me why patron's get angry when their ID cards don't work..and how to handle it)"Caroline, nobody likes being told they don't have access to the facility, when in actuality they have paid for it, it's just the computer's error. It puts us in an awkward position and.."
Me: (cutting her off)..Right, right, I completely understand, it's a burden of proof.
Bosses Boss: ..long pause.."Yeah?..but.."..continues on with some convoluted point.

It just slipped out. I found it relevant and insightful. Bosses boss..not so much, she kind of just unabashedly stared at me until I silently recanted by looking down and embarrassed.

2. Learning curve

Origin: Candice was the first person to misuse this phrase while speaking to me on the phone earlier this week. I made a mental note to try my hand at using it as well.

Situation: I was taking a test at the testing center at ACC Rio Grande and waiting on the results of my scantron to be processed.

Test proctor: "Wow, great job and you finished that test fast. I bet all the people in there taking calculus tests hate you."
Me: *Polite laughter.. "Ya..well you know how learning curves are...If I had to take a calculus test I'm sure it would be a negative slope! (insert tone of voice that implies a joke was made, but realizes quickly that said joke is unidentifiable)"
Test proctor: *Hands me my scantron in silence.

Before you X out this page and resort to googling 'jk wedding entrance' for the billionth time, I swear I'm not a complete idiot..all the time. This time, yes.

3. Compartmentalizing

Origin: There is no logical reason I keep saying this word. I just started saying it this week to describe the new theorem I am applying to my daily life, in my own inaccurate way.

Situation: Talking to Candice on the phone about life events

Me: "Listen, all I'm trying to do is compartmentalize. I'm not at fault. Non-compartmentalizers are to blame!"
Candice: "Hahahaha, compartmentalize? Of Course!"
Me: "Okay, I know that doesn't make sense, but thank you for proving your loyalty and not questioning it."

In closing, it takes a while to further your vocabulary and impress others with your graceful speech. I'll learn, until then I'll continue to bear the burden of proof often found within the learning curve for compartmentalization.

Tuesday Chronicles

I couldn't be more bored. As I sit slumped in my office rolly chair, I'm pretending to draft an email and typing nonsense into excel spreadsheets. I'm also listening to the light rock musical selection of my intern director, trying to decide just how noticeable it would be if I take a quick roll around the office in said chair just to see what everyone else is doing. I think it would kill at least 9 minutes. I prefer rolly chairs to stationary ones, there's something about the option for movement that just feels more spontaneous than a chair without wheels. I imagine it's a feeling similar to the way immobile geriatrics feel about their walkers

I'm on my third piece of gum since arriving here at 9 a.m. The burst of flavor livens things up for 3-4 minutes. And, fingers crossed, I might be able to 'accidentally' get a bubble or two in just to drown out jazz keyboards and Kenny G solos for a few brief seconds.

Less than hour until I can leave. I always feel better when the time that needs to elapse is in minutes. Minutes I can handle, hours make me want to punch a hole in my computer screen. I think I could do it.

Secret Lover is now the song I'm listening to whilst furthering my opportunity in the business realm at this 'internship'. Seriously, nobody gains valuable experience for the future when being forced to hum along to 'Secret Lover.' NOBODY.

I've used the bathroom 4 times in 3 hours. 3 of these times were false alarms. I drink a lot of water while I'm here just to better my chances of that needing a reason to get up and take a break from staring blankly at Microsoft Word documents.

9 minutes till I can gracefully and professionally get the hell out of here. I think I'll even things out and chew one more piece of gum and use the restroom one more time.. Then peace out. It's been a good day at the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Accomplished my tasks in the first hour and a half I was here, and analyzed my potential as a contributing member of the workforce for the rest of it. Good day I'd say.

Horrible

I know I know, I'm a horrible blogger.

BUT, in my defense, I actually have been writing a lot this week, but every time I think 'I should put this in my blog' I decide it is no longer relevant or worth anyone's time but my own. So you should THANK me, I'm only posting the best and the brightest of my thoughts.

On that note, not only am I a horrible blogger..but I'm secretly kind of a horrible person as well.

I know, most of you are sneering in disbelief, throwing your hands up in disgust and laughing at the sheer ridiculousy that I could call myself anything but perfectly charming. Nevertheless, it's true, I'm kind of horrible.

For starters, I'm socially blunt. If I don't like you, you probably know it. I don't waste a lot of time with false pretenses because I don't really see the point. Therefore, I'm kind of horrible because it's so obviously common decency to lead someone you detest to believe you approve of their existence, and I just don't play that small talk game.

Example: If I were to see Jared Fogle on the street and I happened to be eating a subway sandwich, I wouldn't giggle at the irony and give him a quick 'Hello, there Jared, you're looking quite trim!" I'd throw whatever remained of my 6 inch turkey at his face and then laugh whole heartedly at the ranch dressing dripping down his 44 inch waist jeans.

Similarly, if I have a strong opinion about something, which quite honestly, doesn't happen a whole heck of a lot.. I prefer to keep moderate opinions about a lot of things just to avoid confrontation and to secure my 'laid back' persona...ANYWAY, if I just so happen to have a strong opinion about something, I'm going to tell you every single detail about why the way I feel about that thing, concept, Hanson song, is right, and why yours is, well, not.

Example: You think Dirty Dancing Havana Nights, sans Patrick Swayze.. exceeded the perfection of the original Dirty Dancing? No dice. You're an idiot. I can't even have a mature discussion with you about this, because you have butt all over your face.

Finally, the last and probably most compelling reason that I'm sort of horrible..I am a complete elitist. Which is traumatizing to admit, but it gets worse. I'm a closet elitist. I HATE admitting it. Even as I type this, I am convincing myself that it's just for the sake of blog interest that I'm saying it. I need to clarify however, that I'm not an elitist about EVERYTHING. I'm not a music elitist, just peruse my iPod, you'll be horrified. I'm not a food elitist, if you want to chow down on 50 cent Jack in the Box grade E beef tacos, it's your perogative. I eat kettle corn at least once a day, who am I to criticize your jonesing for a mcflurry? I am not a fashion elitist. Not to say I don't talk a substantial amount of shit about what people wear, I am woman and it's in my blood.

I'll just say it. I'm a personality elitist. Not to say I have named myself the sole heir to the greatest personality in all the land, ..not that I'd be opposed..I mean, if there was a true competition of course, I'm just saying I think I'd have a shot. All I'm trying to say, in the least horrible, but notably horrible, way possible is that I think everyone I associate with is better than everyone else. Whew, it's out there. MUCH BETTER. Just stop reading if you're horrified..because I'm not taking it back. As a personality elitist, I have a low tolerance for the bland. No understanding of the timid. And a complete indifference to anyone who isn't hilarious, intelligent, outrageously fun, and anything else I decide I want in a friend at any given moment.

Example: "What's that? you don't understand the hilarious joke I'm attempting to make because you're sense of humor is so underdeveloped it's alarming? Not a problem, I can recommend a great Dane Cook stand up act certain to suite your fancy..and then never speak to you again."

The point is, I can't help it if I'm a horrible person who just can't seem to 'see the good in everyone.' If you're lame, I'll find out. It's science.

gremlins in the park. watch yo'self.

oh HELLO there.

as an act of grammatical rebellion i may or may not type this post using entirely lowercase letters. who knows, maybe i'll runafewwordstogethertoo. just for FUNSIES.

ya know, i started this post having something to say i think..i might have just wanted to write the word funsies in a public arena. it's really anyone's guess. i'll say this though, this may or may not be about to turn into a post where i make a bulletted list of things that are on my mind/that i want to say. who's down for some incoherent nonsense?! aweeesome.

- i've had a ear-curdling cough for the past two weeks. it's starting to worry me, because as a middle child i'm pretty sure my parents were negligent about the timeliness of my vaccinations, specifically whooping cough.
- this is more of a shameless plug actually, but can everyone i know please use twitter? it's really inconvenient switching back and forth from social medium to social medium all damn day and it would make it A LOT easier if everyone could just tweet their lives to me. okaygreatthanks.
- i'm going to see the movie gremlins in the park in like 9 minutes. i just googled gremlins and am AMAZED at how similar to furbies they appear to be. makes me want to teleport to my attic in arlington and bring one of those little guys with me..ya know, to cuddle with.
- it is RIDICULOUSLY hot inside my home right this moment. i'm leaving in 5 minutes, but i just removed 3 of the 5 articles of clothing i was wearing because it was INTOLERABLE.
- it's like, happy hours are really great..but i'll be honest, any drinking before 9 p.m. just makes me want to fall asleep. i have a lot of respect for alcoholics, i mean to be able to drink all day long and not have it affect their sleep patterns, it's just remarkable. it's inspiring, truly. hats off to you.
- a few of my all time favorite people are gracing me with their presences tomorrow annnndican'tfreakinwait.
- ok, this is coming to an abrupt close because, let's face it, gremlins waits for no MAN. or woman.

"a majority of things are permissible...but come on, let's not get ridiculous"

It's been a good weekend. I love July 4th. Sure, you've heard it all before, but I've always been a huge proponent of excessive lounging, bodies of water (kiddie pools, in this year's case) and needless to say, fireworks. It was so perfect hanging with an assortment of my favorite peeps and watching people I hardly know put all pride and thoughts of self-preservation aside to chug brews and fall on their asses playing dizzy bat. Not to mention, drinking 5 out of the 7 seven days this week made me feel a lot like an American, don't ask why, it's obviously twisted logic.

Despite the impressiveness of how wonderful this weekend has been, I shouldn't trick you innocent readers into thinking it wasn't without its minor glitches. For similar to the birth of America, in all her glory, she wouldn't be the country we know and love, without tyrannical King George and buffalo hungry Native Americans (I rarely make racist remarks in this blog, please don't hold it against me.) Anyway, tears were shed, shoes were lost, territories invaded, all leaving me to analyze one of the more pressing matters of my life. Since when have I retired my mature womanhood to act like a FRESHMAN?

Allow me to elaborate. I've been in college for three years. Three wonderful years. I've 'grown', 'matured', 'found myself' 'become the woman I am today' and lots of other trite cliches that you're supposed to do whilst becoming educated. It was a process mind you, a series of trial and error, living and learning. I mean, one doesn't turn 18 and in the blink of an eye become a refined sophisticate, there are stages.

Freshman year for example, is what I like to refer to as the 'anything goes' stage. It's the year you spend losing your dignity and gaining story material. It's common knowledge as a freshman you can't be held responsible for your actions. Every poor decision, drunken regret and slutty halloween outfit is easily shrugged off because let's face it, you're 18 years old, in the grand scheme of your college career, it doesn't matter. You can attend Delt Mekong dressed in camo, drink hidden Smirnoff from your dorm fridge and makeout with someone you've known for 2 hours, all without shame or fear of repercussions. Well..at least nine months of no repercussions. If the constitution has taught me anything, it's that as an 18 year old, acting ridiculous freshman year is an inalienable right.

Luckily, for the sake of our livers and self-respect, freshman year is just that, one year. Sophomore year comes, and with it's arrival, a certain element of experience is achieved and freshman indiscretions are a thing of the past, never to be revisited again. But wait..

What happens if the cycle is disturbed? What if, in Robin Williams like fashion, the board game Jumanji is reopened releasing killer monkeys, life-sucking plants and enraged rhino's into your once civilized environment? IE: What if after three years, as a 21 year old, you find yourself exhibiting similar behaviors and actions of an 18 year old idiot girl..or boy? Maybe it's summer. Maybe it's being legal. Maybe it's new found freedom. All I know is since I've turned 21, I've been acting more like a freshman than I did when I was actually 18.

The problem is that there's something mildly disconcerting about the thought of behaving the same way I did during my 'anything goes' phase. It's not that I'm TRULY worried about it. I'm not accidentally drinking punch laced with muscle relaxers and crashing Kappa Sig late nights, but I am casting aside my better judgment in lieu of living in the moment. It honestly doesn't sound half bad when I put it that way. And come to think of it, maybe it isn't half bad, maybe it's just another 'stage'. Maybe the summer before your senior year is the "a majority of things are permissible, but come on, let's not get too ridiculous.." stage. It's kind of like, I've already learned the lessons, most of them the hard way, so now it can just be a refresher course.

Whew. Freak out averted. Close one.